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Dictator Party!
Dictator Jokes
Trump Jokes
The Pope leaned towards Mr. Trump and said, “Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your followers, but go deep into their hearts and for the rest of their lives whenever they speak of this day, they will rejoice!”
Trump replied, “I seriously doubt that. With one little wave of your hand? Show me!”
So the Pope slapped him and the crowd went wild!!!
Donald Trump meets with the Queen. He asks her, “Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?”
“Well,” says the Queen, “the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people.”
Trump frowns. “But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?”
The Queen takes a sip of tea. “Oh, that’s easy. You just ask them to answer an intelligence riddle.”
The Queen pushes a button on her intercom. “Please send Theresa May in here, would you?”
Theresa May walks into the room. “Yes, my Queen?”
The Queen smiles. “Answer me this, please, Theresa. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?”
Without pausing for a moment, Theresa answers, “That would be me.”
“Yes! Very good,” says the Queen.
Back at the White House, Trump asks to speak with Vice President Mike Pence.
“Mike, answer this for me. Your mother and father have a child. It’s not your brother and it’s not your sister. Who is it?”
“I’m not sure,” says the Vice President. “Let me get back to you on that one.”
Mike Pence goes to his advisers and asks every one, but none can give him an answer. Finally, he ends up in the men’s room and recognizes General McMasters’ shoes in the next stall.
Mike shouts, “General! Can you answer this for me? Your mother and your father have a child and it’s not your brother or your sister. Who is it?”
General McMaster yells back, “That’s easy. It’s me!”
Mike Pence smiles. “Thanks!” and goes back to the Oval Office to speak with Trump.
“Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It’s General McMaster.”
Trump gets up, stomps over to Mike Pence, and angrily yells into his face, “No, you idiot! It’s Theresa May!”
Winston Churchill
The Drunk and the Ugly:
Member of Parliament Bessie Braddock once accosted Churchill at a party, saying, “Winston, you are drunk, and what’s more, you are disgustingly drunk!”
Churchill replied: “Bessie, my dear, you are ugly, and what’s more, you are disgustingly ugly. But tomorrow I shall be sober and you will still be disgustingly ugly!”
The Poisoned Tea:
Lady Nancy Astor, who frequently sparred with Churchill, once told him in frustration, “Winston, if you were my husband, I’d poison your tea.”
Without missing a beat, Churchill replied, “Nancy, if you were my wife, I’d drink it.”
On Voters:
“The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter.”
On Americans:
“We can always count on the Americans to do the right thing, after they have exhausted all the other possibilities.”
On Tact:
“Tact is the ability to tell someone to go to hell in such a way that they look forward to the trip.”
While Churchill deeply respected the monarchy, his eccentric habits and informal nature often led to amusing, slightly tense moments with King George VI during World War II.
The Exhausted King:
During the height of the war, Churchill’s energy was relentless, often demanding late-night meetings. King George VI once remarked to an aide, “I have never met a man who is so exhausting. If I had to live with him, I should die.”
The Blitz Dinner:
During a dinner at Buckingham Palace while London was being bombed, the King noticed Churchill pouring a very generous amount of brandy.
The King raised an eyebrow at the portion, to which Churchill smoothly responded, “Sir, the Germans are trying to kill us, and we must make sure we are properly fortified before they manage it.”
Fidel Castro
The Delayed Fuse:
A top CIA operative infiltrates Havana and successfully swaps Castro’s regular cigars with a booby-trapped explosive one. He sits back and watches television for weeks, waiting for the news. Finally, he sees Castro giving a routine four-hour speech on TV, smoking a cigar. The frustrated agent calls headquarters: “Sir, the mission failed. The cigar exploded, but Castro just used the blast to light his next one.
Vladimir Putin
The Magic Fortune:
Putin visits an oracle to find out what the future holds for Russia. The oracle stares into a crystal ball and says, “I see a great storm, Vladimir Vladimirovich. But I also see that you will win the next presidential election with exactly 87.9% of the vote.”
Putin frowns and looks disappointed. The oracle asks, “Is that not enough?”
Putin sighs and says, “No, it’s just that I already printed the results showing 89.2%.”
The Exit Strategy:
Putin is talking to his top military advisor about the political landscape.
He asks, “Tell me honestly, what is my legacy going to be?” The advisor pauses, clears his throat, and says, “Well, Mr. President, you will be remembered as the man who united the entire world.”
Putin smiles proudly and asks, “Really? Against what?” The advisor whispers, “Against us.”
Xi Ping
Xi Jinping visits a rural farm to test the loyalty of the local people.
He asks a farmer, “If you had two houses, would you give one to the government?”
The farmer answers, “Yes, absolutely!”
Xi asks, “If you had two cars, would you give one to the government?”
The farmer answers, “Without hesitation!”
Xi then asks, “If you had two cows, would you give one to the government?”
The farmer replies, “No, never.”
Confused, Xi asks, “Why would you give up houses and cars, but not a cow?”
The farmer answers, “Because I actually have two cows.”
Stalin
Stalin is bored. To amuse himself he has a great idea.
He decides to disguise himself and circulate amongst his people and find out what they really think of him.
He organizes a job at the local factory and starts work there.
He starts chatting with one of the workers, and they agree to eat their lunch in the yard together.
After talking for a while Stalin asks the worker, “what do you think of Stalin?”.
The worker becomes very paranoid and starts looking around.
He says in a hushed tone, “we can’t talk about that here, it’s not safe”.
Stalin agrees to meet him after work.
When they meet up after work Stalin asks him again, “what do you think of Stalin?”.
“Jesus, we can’t talk here about something so dangerous, people might hear” says the worker. Stalin says they should go for a walk.
After walking for an hour they find themselves alone, standing in a field with nobody else in sight.
“I think we’re pretty safe here, what do you think of Stalin?” says Stalin.
The worker looks around intently, leans in and says in a whispering voice. “I kinda like him”.
Why was Stalin’s computer so slow?
It was on a five year plan
A member of Stalin’s cabinet overhears a conversation in which Marshal Zhukov calls the Great Leader a “mustachioed asshat”.
The cabinet member wastes no time in telling Stalin of this heresy. Stalin approaches Zhukov and says, “Now, who is a mustachioed asshat?”
Zhukov raises his eyebrows, “When I said that, I was thinking of Fuhrer Hitler, of course!”
He then turns to the cabinet member.
Why, Comrade, who did you think I was speaking of?
A farm worker greets Josef Stalin at his potato farm.
“Comrade Stalin, we have so many potatoes that, piled one on top of the other, they would reach all the way to God,” the farmer excitedly tells his leader.
“But God does not exist,” replies Stalin.
“Exactly,” says the farmer. “Neither do the potatoes.”
Hitler
What do you call a homeless Hitler?
A roofless dictator.
Geography test for young Hitler
What is the capital of Austria?
– Berlin
What is the capital of France?
– Berlin
What is the capital of Poland?
– Berlin
All wrong. Adolf, you’re going to fail your geography test!
We’ll see about that!
The Lunatic Asylum:
Hitler decided to visit a mental hospital to boost his image. The patients were lined up in the hallway and instructed to give the Nazi salute. As Hitler walked down the line, everyone raised their hand and shouted, “Heil Hitler!” except for one man at the very end.
Hitler stormed up to him and demanded, “Why aren’t you saluting me?!”
The man replied politely, “Oh, forgive me, Führer. I am the doctor— I’m not crazy.”
The Fortune Teller:
Hitler was deeply fascinated by astrology and the occult. He visited a famous fortune teller and demanded to know exactly when he would die. The fortune teller stared into her crystal ball and said, “Führer, you will die on a Jewish holiday.”
Hitler, shocked and furious, demanded, “Which one?!” She shrugged and replied, “Any day you die will be a Jewish holiday.”
The Berlin Radio Tower:
Hitler and Göring are standing at the top of the massive Berlin Radio Tower looking over the city.
Hitler sighs and says, “I really want to do something to bring a smile to the faces of the people of Berlin.” Göring looks at him and says, “Why don’t you just jump?”
The Herring Dinner:
A man walks into a popular Berlin restaurant and tries to order a Bismarck herring (named after the famous unifier of Germany).
The waiter apologizes and says, “Sir, under the new regime, we can only serve you a Hitler herring.” The man asks, “What’s the difference?”
The waiter whispers, “The Bismarck herring had a head, sir; the Hitler herring doesn’t.”
Goebbels’ Joke Contest: To prove the regime had a sense of humor, Propaganda Minister Joseph Goebbels announced a contest for the best political joke about the Third Reich. He announced the official prizes:
First Prize: Five years in prison.
Second Prize: Ten years in a labor camp.
Third Prize: You get to meet the Gestapo.
Xi Ping
“Eleven” Jinping:
One of the most famous viral media slip-ups occurred on India’s national TV channel DD News.
A news anchor, reading the name “XI JINPING” in all capital letters on her teleprompter, mistook the “XI” for the Roman numeral 11 and referred to him live on air as “Eleven Jinping.
Ceausescu
At the 14th Party Congress, during the speeches, a rat starts running around the hall, on the delegates’ feet. A comrade gets scared, stands up and shouts excitedly:
– Kill him! Kill him!
The comrade next to her, suddenly awakened from sleep, jumps to her feet and exclaims:
– Her too! Her too!
Ceausescu demands from the Security Secret Service:
– Bring me the one who makes all the jokes with me.
The man is brought immediately.
Ceausescu:
– Why do you only make jokes with me? I know them, they are good. But, let me see you, make a joke with someone else too.
The man thinks for a while and says:
– Comrade Elena Ceausescu is pregnant.
– Not with me, I said!
– But who said he was with you?